Giuseppe Andrews  



Acted in some prominent Hollywood movies, but makes amateur movies as a hobby, mostly in the trailer parks where he grew up, involving his neighbours as 'natural' actors. The approach is a juvenile, virtually plotless Gummo-like form of home-made trash that seems partially improvised, featuring Andrews feeding the most disgusting and offensive lines he can think of to his generally older and extremely eccentric amateur actors, and making them perform repulsive sex acts or act out his coprophiliac fantasies. Either that, or alternatively, he feeds them faux-surreal nonsense and non-sequiturs for no discernable reason other than to feed his own warped and juvenile sense of humor. Think John Waters does a reality show by way of Gummo for people that think Jerry Springer contributes to society. Strangely, some reviewers on the internet seem to think he's some kind of genius and unsung indie movie-maker. The only explanations I can come up with for this is that either it's a conspirational joke, or that the world is a lot worse than I thought. He makes dozens of these useless movies, some of them picked up by Troma. Some only feature trashy characters with trashy dialogue, others (reviewed here) are more scatologically extreme, but there's really no sense reviewing more of these since most are basically the same garbage. Reviewed until 2016.

Worthless

Check Out, The  
A dying old man sends out invitations for people to visit him and discuss his upcoming death, resulting in several strange guests while he has dreams involving his toenails and boogers in human form that give out strange advice. At first glance, this seems to present Andrews in a more meditative, bizarre and meaningful mood. But this is just the same old home-made trailer-trash movie, only this time Andrews decided on a theme of an old man's death having dreams and visitors, and instead of feeding them lines, he seemingly told them to improvise non-sequiturs while keeping in mind the theme of the movie. Here's a sample exchange: "Live by the lunar calendar, it will help mold your major theories". "Like the whole animals walk and talk as soon as they're born thing?". Those who look for meaning in this movie are wasting their time.

Garbanzo Gas  
Surprisingly, this one by Andrews has a funny crazy idea and even a handful of laughs, but the majority is still retarded humor and trash. Two friends staying at a motel decide to commit suicide, but not before they eat. A cow (a bearded man in a cow costume) on vacation arrives and stays next door. Desperately, they plot to eat the cow. But a generous slaughterhouse, a crazy schizophrenic murdering bum, and an old man who talks to his orthopedic shoes and who is angry about shoe size standards, all distract them from their plans. Andrews mostly lets them all goof off to obnoxiously juvenile songs in the soundtrack, resulting in a lot of tiresomely retarded antics, and only a few laughs. And as soon as the old man appears, Andrews can't resist giving him a script of filth to read from. It must be some kind of fetish with Andrews.

In Our Garden  
This is like the dialogue version of a John Waters trailer-made movie. The 'script' is about a crack-addicted cop having a romance with an old trailer-trash woman with an artificial elf ear (after an accident with a hungry pony). They have endless banal and nonsensical dialogue, and in between, Andrews gives them some pages to read containing the most disgusting filth he can imagine. It's like bum-fights, with Andrews exploiting old trailer folk, except with pornographic, scatological dialogue instead of fists. When he runs out of script, he has them do things like fish for feces or have sex with toilet paper. The film-equivalent of used toilet paper.

It's All Not So Tragic
Demented movie in a retarded way. It's like a mentally-challenged person watched a dozen surreal road-movies and decided he can make one as well. This home-made nonsense tells the 'tale' of a film historian with an ucontrollable impulse to pull out his penis in inappropriate places, which got him in trouble while making a DVD commentary. At the advice of his shrink he goes on a road trip to relax. On the way he meets a poetry-spouting madman with pornographic cockroaches, a violent lunatic with an axe, a teenage girl brainwashed by a cult spouting completely nonsensical insights about life, a motel that uses a carton box in unusual ways, a skinny guy who can't stay off the toilet, sex with a vacuum cleaner, and more. Towards the end it just turns to completely indescribable chaos. It's not surreal because there is no point or theme, it's not Lynchian because it has no mystery, and it's not interesting because it is completely retarded.

Period Piece  
Imagine Gummo as directed by John Waters. Some of the disgusting filth on parade in this plotless celluloid dump includes: A naked 90 year old man simulating sex while talking extreme filth, a man raping a teddy bear with a hot dog and canned goods, an idiot posing as a Frenchman making dumb jokes, a man and his son sharing porn and eating farts, and so on. Words fail me to describe how utterly pointless this is.

Schoof  
This is a sci-fi movie on paper that has even less sci-fi than Godard's Alphaville. A force called Schoof is causing everyone to go insane. This is enough of an excuse and backdrop for Andrews to simply string together a bunch of scenes involving his favorite trailer trash actors doing the most silly and crazy things he can imagine. This includes hearing weekend cowboys having an orgy in a vacuum cleaner, skipping rope with a 20-foot clitoris, jumping over mini Christmas trees, cowboys attempting a gang-bang with a drunk, stoned and then dead girl, interacting with a dead ex-girlfriend who made her boyfriend give her an abortion with a coat-hanger, being chased by a huge picture of a hamster, molesting a doll, aliens fighting over maple syrup, and yet more of Andrews's juvenile coprophilia, this time with colostomy bags. Andrews has joined the lowest rank of Chris Seaver as far as I'm concerned

Touch Me in the Morning  
A teenager named Coney Island tries to develop relationships with his parents and trailer park friends by asking them for advice with his life and girlfriend. In return, he gets many trashy stories about their sexual adventures, bad advice on condoms and how to treat women, sordid, sleazy histories about his parents and himself that he would be better off not knowing, and a party involving a gang-bang with old people, and defecating in the sink. John Waters would be proud.

Trailer Town  
So this kid goes to some demented denizens of trailers, exploits their reputation and feeds them the filthiest lines and actions he can imagine, dumps all the footage into a movie, and releases it as a John Waters kind of trash comedy that will appeal to the Jerry Springer audience. This almost-plotless movie features a man having sex with his feces, an old woman stripping, microwaving food with underwear, and endless filthy mean-spirited dialogue and trashy characters trying to be funny, as prompted by Giuseppe Andrews. And just to make sure you didn't miss a word of the filth, you get huge subtitles.




2000- by The Worldwide Celluloid Massacre Table of Contents