|
Petter Baiestorf
A filthy Brazilian follower of John Waters who makes home-made idiotic, dirt-cheap trash-cinema movies with in-your-face cheap gore, filth, perversions, trashy actors in various costumes or drag, gutter satire and homages to grindhouse or camp genres. Whereas Waters was all about straightforward bad taste, Baiestorf claims (tongue-in-cheek?) a more meaningful cult and underground status. His movies often feature a bunch of young friends acting in the woods, assigned very random horror trope roles, just to keep them interacting and improvising either with gory violence, filthy sexual acts, or improvising some silly dialogue in random uninteresting skits. Plots are almost non-existent, and his soundtracks are just as random as the scenes, stealing anything from oldies to classic music, punk and lots of extreme metal. Made dozens of underground short movies and the occasional longer releases reviewed here. Thanks to his energy and personality, Baiestorf is actually much more fun and talented as an actor, than as a director. Reviewed until 2016. Another mid-length movie from Baiestorf, this one his homage to rape-and-revenge exploitation grindhouse. A judge with a Hitler moustache and his entourage of priest and doctor rape a girl which they forced a drug-dealer to kidnap. Some nasty, trashy rape Baiestorf style, until the girl gets her high-heels on and gorily takes out her assailants in the nastiest ways imaginable while the compulsive perverts get off on the nastiness. This is followed by some Guinea Pig disemboweling, necrophilia and cannibalism. A horribly dull bad taste tribute to bad taste that doesn't even have the decency to attempt a plot. Nihilistic half-length from Baiestorf about multiple groups of criminals and passers-by that engage in random acts of violence and torture against each other. Drug addicts get injected with the wrong drug, and now they are too drugged to know they're dead, resulting in annoying zombies that behave the same as they did before, i.e. as violent psychopaths. Girls tend to get the upper hand though. A baby is killed, several people disemboweled in graphic fashion, although the gore may be muddy at times, there's rape, one disgusting old man obsessed with his ass, and one guy who refuses to die gets the royal splattery treatment. Random trash. Possibly the most painfully bad and incoherent movie that Baiestorf has ever filmed, and that's saying a lot. It's so endlessly torturous to watch, it becomes one of those transcendental experiences as your mind escapes reality. I couldn't come up with a plot description even if I had a gun to my head. It's an improvised, 'experimental' movie, and it shows. There are various powerful beings, including a god, a devil, possibly Jesus, and various other odd beings. Most of them wear completely random masks. They talk incoherently with each other about grand themes on humanity that never add up to anything at all. There's even a segment that includes a full poem by Baudelaire. Endless time is spent on random street and rural bands showing their full songs. There are random fights, including one with an invisible army, but zero gore. Random scenes involving people goofing off is also included. There is no editor. Based on the title and the 'themes' I'm guessing this is a tribute or spoof (hopefully the latter) on Glauber Rocha. There is nothing worse than a trash director who becomes pretentious. A completely nonsensical, lame and bizarre home movie that tries to have fun with b-movie badness and cliches, with a focus on spoofing Incredible Melting Man. There are random characters in strange costumes, a priest on a mission, gratuitous violence and chopping off of hands, aliens, talking decapitated heads, and of course, a huge ray-gun that causes people's flesh to melt away slowly. Other randomness includes a schizophrenic holding a pie attacking the walls of his house with a knife, revolutionaries in the woods discussing ideologies, a mad scientist and an attempt at cloning Jesus, several references to the movie script and the movie itself, and purposely bad film-making that revels in b-movie madness. A fat gay couple get bored with their empty lives and and in an existential fit, one of them self-castrates and then they go on a killing spree, bringing home friends or picking up people while on vacation and having sex with them, then killing them. There's filthy sex, coprophagia, disembowelment, random XXX-rated sex, gratuitous lesbian sex, a crucifixion that would make Bill Zebub proud, and a cross-dressing maid, leading to a bizarre deterioration of madness and old age for an existential ending. John-Waters-inspired, home-made trash humor and a complete waste of time. Baiestorf's first feature and its sequel are as cheaply home-made as they get. The 'plot' involves a sadistic mad scientist from Mars on Earth performing gruesome experiments on humans, creating an undead army and feeding humans to his carnivorous plants. What this ambitious plot actually translates to is a bunch of teenage kids running around the forest improvising silly dialogue and sillier fights. Kid-actors smile while they are being tortured, the mad scientist finds new ways to chew the scenery with bad acting, they all take turns acting as 'NASA scientists', aggressive farmers, undead minions, play-acting in the forest. It all feels like 14-18 year olds playing make-believe like 7 year olds, only with cameras and some intestine 'special effects'. One zombie carries his own intestine with him, or walks around with a stick through his chest, and a puppet plant spits out bones. The gore is minimal without Baiestorf's future nasty trash. Nobody takes it seriously, obviously, with some scenes featuring two guys fighting over whose stick is bigger or doing silly walks in front of the camera, and it would be amusing if it weren't so inept. As with his first 'Hideous Creatures', this is just Baiestorf and his young friends goofing off in the woods making a home-made, dirt-cheap trashy horror movie with the one single special-effect they could afford: Some black sausages standing in for intestines. Three very unconvincing 'cannibals' are visited by relatives and strangers. Completely random violent encounters ensue, with some guys kept in the dungeon for good eating. What, you expected more plotting from Baiestorf? More near-plotless extreme filth from Baiestorf marketed as a 'satire' on relationships. Who are you kidding? There's a retard and a girl that loves him. In between dancing, they partake in rotten and very graphic cannibalism and necrophilia and coprophagia. When a criminal gang attacks them, this only provides more opportunities for necrophilia. Somehow this plot fill an entire movie, plus padding with random encounters in the woods with a necrophiliac priest and some tourists and campers. A gang of sadistic criminals steal a priceless copy of some comic books, but then find themselves stranded amidst a very strange and violent rural group of people. The victim wife hires a detective to chase them down as well. This is as far as the plot goes, but, unfortunately, it forgets the plot for most of its running time and instead presents a series of very random silly or somewhat gory encounters. There's random zombies, a human turning into a plant, a man eating himself in the only really funny and goriest scene, a seductive female vampire, angry farmers, and that staple of Baiestorf movies: evil government agents. There is some additional gore involving intestines and blood but its not the usual Baiestorf gorefest, aiming more for comedy. Towards the end there is a silly attempt to wrap up the story as a conspiracy but it's too random and dumb to work. Inspired by a local Brazilian serial killer family, but this is just Baiestorf's backwoods horror entry that shows the antics of an inbred, cannibalistic, necrophiliac, torturing serial killers that seem to disembowel people so often, they become more interested with discussing their lust for each other during their tortures. There are several graphic dismemberment scenes put together with several layers of home-made special effects, sex in a cemetery, an inbred marriage, a sexual fetish with intestines, various tortures inflicted on people in the basement, and so on. Tax collectors meet a grisly end, as do stranded travellers, and their escaped basement pets add to the carnage as well as some silly slapstick. The acting is laughable, and the B&W cinematography is gritty. The soundtrack is probably the best thing about this one, featuring a crazy hodgepodge of extreme metal, classic rock, weird ambient tracks and other random stolen tracks. 30 minute filthy homage to I Spit on Your Grave and its followers, full of repulsive nudity and perversions. A lesbian couple are stalked by a violent rapist and a necrophiliac who collects vaginas. Endless filth and gore ensues, with repulsive x-rated sex, water-sports, bloody rape, and even bloodier revenge, including pulling out intestines through the anus, a chainsaw fight, and tearing apart a chest, crawling in and finding a room full of televisions (what?). A local mad scientist discovers a being from outer space made of vegetables who plans to obliterate all humans in order to bring peace and morality onto the world (huh?). He escapes the scientist and goes a killing spree in a village populated by the likes of some horny perverts, a drug-addict priest, a group of necrophiliac philosophical cultists, scientists, and a failed experiment who runs around eating things like human flesh, bowels, bile, feces and blood. Features bargain basement splatter with a laughably fake bottle in the neck and a few bucketfuls of intestines. Also features random homages to Jose Marins as it preaches the fall of humankind and Christianity and searches for a girl to impregnate in order to change the world. Home-made trash. This direct continuation from the first part features the wounded green vegetable 'monster' adopted by an effeminate veterinarian who is constantly bullied by the locals. The local thugs and rapists hang out in the outdoor bar listening to live music, but when they find out the monster is still alive, they come back to finish the job, pushing the veterinarian over the edge into a killing spree. That's the plot. The movie is actually 30 minutes of boredom followed by 30 minutes of extremely lame violence including an arm dismemberment, sodomy, rape, random trashy transsexual passersby, and some entrails carefully laid out over a bad actor's big stomach. Baiestorf does a 'zombie' movie. A witch raises the dead and they attack various people in the woods, including a strange cross-dresser with a beard. The witch feeds the zombies with a sperm-like substance from her veins then mutates. The lame gore is strictly of the multicolored-porridge and pulling-guts-from-t-shirts variety. More dull trash from Baiestorf that is too dumb to be funny. A group of trashy people in a tiny village are overrun by zombies, except they are too horny or bored to care much either way, they are too dumb to even run away, or to let the zombies interrupt on their random sex acts. Zombies and various people wander the countryside to bouncy Brazilian music, all girls' clothes are ripped off at random for cheap x-rated shots, there are random bouts of violence and splatter, and that's it, leaving you as bored and uninspired as they are. Even the sex scenes are disgusting and involve various trashy people, with body fluids and solids throw around at random like a bunch of monkeys, with some necrophilia thrown in. The zombies are just masked dudes covered in multi-colored gloop and syrup, and never look realistic, and the splatter ranges from the same old intestines being thrown around or eaten, to more extreme varieties of disemboweling and blood-spraying gaping wounds. Short summary: Dumb trash covered in syrup-gore. |
| © 1999- by The Worldwide Celluloid Massacre | Table of Contents |