Ryan Cavalline  



Micro-budget horror movie director, with varying levels of gore and nastiness, some on the border of extremism. Enjoys filming trash and deranged violence, and especially insane serial killers (is there any other kind?), so it is no surprise that one of his biggest influences is Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Reviewed until 2016.

Worthless

Aspiring Psychopath  
Yet another serial killer movie from Ryan Cavalline, this one about a female 'aspiring' killer that follows other killers to learn from them. The writing is absolutely terrible however, and the acting is exactly that: acting. Once again, Cavalline mixes faux-police-footage with the killer's escapades. She films diaries of her progress, her thoughts, and the deeds of other killers, until she makes contact with them and... instead of learning or joining forces, just tortures and kills them. Which makes no sense. Terrible artificial dialogue, terrible unconvincing acting, minimal gore, one gratuitous oral sex and castration scene, and lots of endless excruciating torture, especially the kind where she talks a lot.

Dead Body Man 1 & 2    
The psychotic, schizophrenic Dead Body Man spends the entire movie yelling annoyingly, talking about his sexual practices with dead bodies and chickens, arguing with his fellow lunatics, killing women in his basement, and being told to kill by God who appears as porn stars in videos and as a stoned, perverted Jesus who bleeds all over his couch. The first in the series features mostly a lot of blood splatter and psychotic rantings, with the carnage kept mostly off-screen, but the sequel ups on the bad taste: He engages in necrophilia, bestiality (cows and chickens), and hangs out with his lunatic friends, one of which he decapitated and keeps in his bag, and another who kills men with her breasts. This is mostly annoying stuff that isn't as shocking or gory as it sounds, and full of toilet humor with no wit. The grand finale features gory butt abuse with various kitchen utensils and a plot-line stolen from Henenlotter.

Dead Bodyman Chronicles  
An energetic prequel, but really just a moronic trashy comedy. A trashy older man tells the story of the Dead Bodyman to his grandson instead of switching on the nudie channel. So how does a cannibalistic, zoophiliac, religious, porn-star-addict, serial killer get made? This tells his story, from his birth (born of a stripper in the middle of a strip show), followed by his upbringing by some random cannibalistic trailer-trash, then his stay in an insane asylum where he makes some friends: A man who thinks he's Hitler, an ex-porn-star with massive vagina lips, a chronic masturbator always covered in tissues and sperm, and a couple more lunatics. Their antics and attempts at comedy take up most of the movie, including a sexual encounter with an imaginary chicken, until they decide to steal a credit card and invite some deranged hookers. The actors bring energy to their moronic roles, but, alas, moronic they are. I have nothing against trashy comedies, as long as they have some wit. And don't expect any gore here either.

House of Carnage  
It's ironic that this movie calls Hollywood a disease, because after watching this terrible piece of boredom, I felt like watching a Hollywood movie. It's an attempt at some Texas Chainsaw Massacre 'horror' by way of Blair Witch documentary, complete with talking heads, and an interview with a girl who survived the massacre, as well as the movie itself of the 'massacre'. This latter footage consists of painfully never-ending scenes where the director poured some blood on the girls and guys, gave them one or two gore props, and told them to act demented and improvise. So they prance around the girls, growl, yell at them, behave like hillbilly retards, blabber about what they are going to do or did, every once in a while abusing a random girl, until it's time for a gore shot, which is never anything to write home about. In between, the girls bare some breasts. Seriously guys? The fact that this is a second attempt at the same kind of movie by this director (Day of the Ax) only makes it worse.

Stockholm Syndrome  
Cavalline's most extreme and sick movie by far, but it's still terrible. This features what has to be the most idiotic, incompetent and pointless crime gang ever: A human trafficking mafia that abuse their own merchandise to death, as well as their loyal employees. How do these criminals survive? But it's really just an excuse for Cavalline to stack up a series of completely gratuitous sick scenes revolving around said gang, a couple of twisted customers, and some unwilling kidnappers and kidnappees. This includes a priest with a really twisted and sharp sex toy, disemboweling, forced abortion, blowtorch torture and more. The acting ranges from passable to poor and unconvincing, the audio is all over the place, and evidently, nobody on this film seems to know what Stockholm Syndrome really means.




2000- by The Worldwide Celluloid Massacre Table of Contents