Kevin Strange (Hack Movies)  

Imagine a director whose highest ambition seems to be to emulate the worst director in the world: Chris Seaver. The only difference is that these movies are a little more extreme as far as sleaze and gore is concerned. But before you get your hopes up, the sleaze is more like the result of a mind that watched porn for 20 years and thinks that any filthy dialogue that involves his penis, asses, men turning gay, boob and penis flashing, and lesbianism is funny, not the warped sexual content of a Euro-sleaze flick. Artificial, endlessly unfunny trashy dialogue fill these juvenile and witless movies that are neither shocking nor funny, and the only thing they have going is the fact they know how bad they are, and some over-the-top gore, and not the creative type at that. Strictly for the crowd that thinks characters called Willy Nutsuck are funny. Reviewed until 2016.


CockHammer is a devil-worshipping, misanthropic pornographer with OCD who is attempting to perform a ritual so he can transcend. These rituals require sacrificing women, so he hires some goons to bring him victims. Terrence and Perander are bored with sex with their slut girlfriends and are trying to come up with the next way to get off without crossing the border into homosexuality. Problem is, their sluts got kidnapped by CockHammer, and a couple of idiotic weed-dealers and some transsexual demons are getting in their way as well. Will they save their girlfriends in time so that the girls can penetrate them with dildos? Dumb, silly, unfunny, juvenile dialogue-heavy comedy-horror-smut with endlessly filthy, boring and artificial dialogue, more penises than breasts, and some splatter scenes involving breast eating and demonic castration. Idiotic worthless trash.

Colonel Kill Motherfuckers  
A bunch of RPG-playing nerds encounter an ex-soldier psycho killer with a domineering mother (a fat guy in a clown outfit) who brings him back to life using, um, a variety of motherly body fluids, and makes him kill again. But the killer has needs, subtly referred to by the movie title. Will any of the nerds survive his raging revenge and will they figure out how to stop drooling over Buffy and use their RPG skills to survive? Idiotic movie with terribly annoying and retarded over-acting, a handful of badly done splatter scenes involving face, throat or jaw ripping, plenty of obscene trash from the mother, and tons of dumb dialogue that is somehow supposed to be funny.

Dream Reaper  
Kevin Strange's first is literally a wank-fest about a band with members called Willy, Thwang, Dick and Peter who get stalked by a Dream Reaper who kills them off one by one after they wank and fall asleep. So we get endlessly gratuitous scenes of wanking complete with body fluids, juvenile unfunny humor about penises, turning gay, rock music and ninja fighting, before they get slaughtered or castrated with some home-made inept splatter, all stretched out to a full-length dumb bore-fest. So how does one criticize a movie that knows how silly and incompetent it is and doesn't bother to hide the fact they are fighting with $1 plastic swords? Easy. It's not funny.

Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas  
Diarrhoea, masturbation, transsexuals, Santa getting sodomized, and lots of farts. If you find these things funny in and of themselves, then perhaps this movie is for you. But even Southpark understands that more is required to make toilet humor funny. Nixon and Hogan are two annoyingly over-acted retards that find they have to save Christmas after a zombie Santa appears in their house. They share their experiences with porn, infantilism and coprophilia, while masturbating with Christmas mittens and smoking weed. Sasparilla the Weed Witch, an over-endowed transsexual, is threatening to take over with poison weed and sodomy, but Santa is busy in an orgy with fat girls equipped with a phallic cucumber, while Nixon and Hogan are fighting off demons and diarrhoea, and flashing Christmas carolers. You get the picture. Entertainment for juvenile fratboys only.

Stiff Jobs  
Yet another extreme 'Chris Seaver' job by Hack movies, this one featuring two hit men on the way to kill a gay pedophile, their day turning into violent and depraved mayhem until it all turns supernatural. But the plot is really just an excuse to have a bunch of wanker porn-addicts talk for 60 minutes about their thoughts on sex, their dialog sounding like juvenile blurbs for extreme porn films, and to display disgusting sex scenes involving coprophilia, blood and other body fluids while killings are going on. The 'humorous' vignettes include male gang-rape sodomy by bums, penis violence, and a handjob while dying. There's a lot of dreary filthy talk about blowjobs, including one conversation with the assassin's filthy mother, and a very politically incorrect discussion about which race gives the best oral sex. Now I can enjoy toilet humor and offensive subject matter, but not when it's this witless. I think somebody forgot that toilet humor has to have humor and not just toilet.

1999- by The Worldwide Celluloid Massacre Table of Contents